Horror Movie Cliches: Blood, Guts and Sluts; Not So Scary Anymore

Horror Movie Cliches: Halloween Edition-

I am going to go through and list off the top 10 horror movie cliches to pay homage to one of my favorite holidays (with plenty of snark and sarcasm mixed in of course.)

10. Nudity and Sex Always Equals Death-
     Horror films always have people, specifically young adults, getting it on. As a result most horror flicks push the parent approved message of abstinence. Don’t believe me? Then why does the films blond “whore” get axed early in the film, and the prudish but keen minded brunette always survive?

9. For some reason the black character always dies-
If you think promiscuous blonde’s have it bad, then catch up on your horror films because the non-white character (yes there is usually only one non-white person) is even more likely to meet their bloody end before the credits roll.

8. Hiding From Death-
    Now that we have discussed the cliches as to who will die first, lets take a look at how they die. Namely cornering themselves by trying to hide like children specifically under the bed, in the closet or by running up the stairs. We get it, they’re scared. But a game of hide and seek is not likely to tire out un-dead killers, or vicious space aliens now is it? What they should really do is get the hell out. There seems to be only one way out of these brilliant hiding places, and that is in a body bag.

7. Two Left Feet-
Sometimes the victims do decide to run, assuming they can escape their hiding place, more power to them. However, problem is that this brings up another horror movie cliche. It seems that no movie character is capable of running more than a dozen feet without face-planting. Equally cliche is the fact that this sprint does not give the victim any distance over the attacker who is almost always walking.

6. Knives Only-
     Is there no 5th amendment in the United States of the horror movie world, save for zombie films? Granted it is called the slasher genre for a reason,  this means that it is not likely for anyone to be taken down by lead. Leaving steal as the leading cause of injury. Why doesn’t anyone ever own a gun? A notable exception to this cliche is the Police, but having a gun never seems to do them much good anyway.

5. Useless Authorities-    
Carrying on that thought from the last entry, this cliche has been established for so long that we don’t even ask ourselves why people don’t run to the police anymore. We expect that anyone with a badge might as well have a target on their back, as the killer usually likes to take them out in a specifically gruesome way.

4. False Scares-
Everyone knows that the first half-hour or so of a horror movie is all build up and it’s too early for anyone to croak… with the possible exception of the opening ten minutes. To keep up the tension, fake scares are sprinkled in to keep us guessing, as well as, to use near the end to keep the audience paying attention. Just think of all the times the characters “happen” to run into each other at the beginning of the film and that sharp screeching sound kicks you in the ass.

3. Middle of Nowhere-  
     The only horror films to take place in open environments, or at the mall, have zombies. The reason for isolated, and creepy, locations is simple. It cuts the victims off from society and takes the characters, as well as the viewers, outside of their comfort zones. These abandoned settings are a character in and of themselves.

2. Let’s Split Up-  
     If there is one thing we wouldn’t do if we were being stalked by a blade carrying psychopath, it would be
to split up. Why make it easier to be picked off one by one?

1. Why Won’t He Die?
     All horror villains have to come back again after being killed, for an en cour. Moreover, they always somehow survive, leaving the door open for a sequel.

Well, there ya have it, the top 10. The “research” for this post was way too much fun, but I have definitely hit my Horror movie watching quota for a while.

Someone Famous Did Something Stupid…Again

Since I already did a full blog post earlier this week with my review of the film “5th Estate” this post is going to be a little different than my usual weekly update. Instead of reviewing anything (because I didn’t have the time…. or was actually too lazy) I am going to catch you up on a few things that you probably missed recently.

People Are Stupid (and it is entertaining) 
  •      CeeLo Green has been arrested and charged with a felony for having Ecstasy and “sharing” it with a woman he was on a date with. 

                    – He is pleading not guilty… good luck with that.

  • Recently when asked if he’d visited the Parthenon during his recent trip to Greece, Shaquille O’Neal replied: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

                 – I can’t even think of a snarky enough response to this. He’s obviously been hit in the head with several basketballs.

Did You Know
        – Jackie Chan has just revealed that his father was a  professional spy for communist China. 
  -Tim Allen was arrested in 1978 for possession of 1.4 pounds of cocaine and was sent to jail for 2 years.

Are the British Allergic to Sun?

Last week I recommended the film “5th Estate” as having the potential of being a quality film to see. Therefore as a dutiful and responsible blogger I decided to go see the movie so that I could report on what I actually thought of my recommendation.
Recommended Movie: 

     5th Estate-
If you have looked up any reviews or articles about this film so far, you will see that the movie has not received good ratings by those that have seen it. After having watched the film myself, there is an easy explanation for the bad reviews: The movie does not correctly represent itself in its previews. This statement sounds a lot more drastic than it actually is meant to. The movie presents itself in the trailer as a thrilling and suspenseful drama. This movie is not really any of those things, The Fifth estate is more of a docudrama (television or movies that features re-enactments of actual events) more than anything. The film is not fast paced or thrilling, rather, it is fairly slow moving and event based.
The film follows Julian Assange’s (Albino Bob) actual movements and actions during the three year period of WikiLeaks therefore not really allowing for the traditional Hollywood action that we, as Americans, are used to. In fact, there is no action whatsoever in this film.
So, I told you some of the drawbacks – a fairly slow moving movie, not thrilling or suspenseful. With those in mind, I am going to point out the Pro’s to the film.
This movie is incredibly well portrayed by each and every actor. There is not an unconvincing line or cheesy moment in the entire thing. The acting was stellar!
The imagery in the film is very cool. Because the internet is a major element in this movie, they give it a physical location, displaying the cyberspace as a large office.  
The storyline itself is very interesting. Since I was an adult when WikiLeaks hit every news station, I remember it very well (it wasn’t that long ago). Even though I remember the huge impact it had on our society, I never knew its origins or purpose, simply believing that Assange was a dangerous person as portrayed by the news. The film shows so much more depth, and complexity to his character, his program and the goals of the website. The movie allows each and every viewer to make up their own opinion of Assange, villain or visionary, the movie makes every viewer form their own judgments regarding Assange’s affect on history.
   (So What?)
So what does all of this mean? It means that this movie is interesting, not thrilling. So if you are in the mood for a film with high action that is full of suspense, then this is not the movie for you. I don’t think it is as bad as most people are reviewing it, it just isn’t what most people expected. So if I were you I would probably wait to see it until it hit the dollar theater or came out on Redbox because it is worth a view, just not at full price.

I give the 5th Estate

(What The?!)
And I am sorry but I have to say this, I know a lot of people are fans of Benedict Cumberbatch all of a sudden, and I can understand why because he is a very talented actor, but who in the world decided to make a pasty British man with ZERO skin pigment the main character of a movie with white hair? If you are going to give him white hair to look like the real guy, at least put some blush on his cheeks or something, he looks dead most of the time.
                                                                         Did You Know?
Woody Harrelson’s father was a professional hitman, who was arrested and given a life sentence for killing a federal judge.

Woody Harrelson (Hunger Games, ZombieLand)

Death, Shame and Albino’s

In this weeks installment of “Your Average Joe” I am going to talk about the television show “Castle”, the upcoming movie “5th Estate” and Miley Cyrus’ new-ish album “Bangerz”

     I have been a dedicated viewer of this television series since its first season as I am a big fan of Nathan Fillion. From Buffy the Vampire Slayer to Serenity and especially as Captain Hammer in Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog I have admired his versatile ability but also his inherent humor and silliness that I relate to. To my great joy therefore I was not disappointed when initially watching Castle. However, as the show has gone on I see a looming problem that has already begun to manifest itself. The show has no where else to go and therefore they are repeating themselves. With this season they attempted to add diversity by sending the love interest and main character, Kate Beckett, to Washington D.C. to be a federal agent. This lasted for three episodes because it isn’t like she can leave the show, or be gone from any of the episodes as she is the foil to the character of Castle.
       (SO WHAT?)
 — With all this in mind my assessment is that I am still entertained by this show, but my interest is starting to fall as the show is becoming predictable and repetitive. 

Bangerz– Miley Cyrus has been on the news and entertainment shows quit a bit recently because of her performance at the VMA’S but that is not what I am going to talk about. I could care less that she danced the way she did. I am no Miley fan, I was too old when she made her debut on the Disney channel resulting in having never (willingly) listened to her teen-bopper music, and liking it even less when I did hear it. To my great surprise I really liked the few songs from Bangerz I heard on the radio. I decided to give the album a chance and listened to the songs with an open mind. Though it makes me nauseous to admit, I really liked it and even purchased the entire thing from iTunes. The album has a variety of quality beats and addictive rhythms with story-esque lyrics that are more mature sounding than I would have ever expected from her.
     (SO WHAT?)
— This album is worth at least one listen (with an open mind) because of its universally understandable and relatable songs with beats that’ll stick in your head. 
5th Estate- The movie 5th Estate comes out this Friday (October 18). This movie is my pick of the week for a must see. The casting of the movie is chocked full of quality actors such as Benedict Cumberbatch (the new phenomena in America from Sherlock and Star Trek into Darkness) Stanley Tucci (Devil Wears Prada) and Laura Linney (Hyde Park on Hudson) to name only a few. This movie is based on Julian Assange, the Albino looking guy who is the founder of WikiLeaks and is now a refugee from the American Government. Assange has been quite vocal (from China) about his anger about this movie. He wrote to the man playing him, Benedict, to tell him essentially that his movie is going to suck. Assange also wrote two general press releases and did an hour long interview via Skype with entertainment journalists to try and dissuade people from seeing this movie. Why is this guy so desperate to not have his story told of his life during this time? Of course it is a movie so it isn’t going to be 100% accurate but it is based on true events off of a book that was written by the man that was with Assange for 3 years during this time. Assange’s extreme aversion to this movie is very intriguing.
     (SO WHAT?) 
Though I have not yet seen the film, all the actors are top notch and the true events it is based off of are little known and very interesting/ relevant to the world we live in. This movie is my pick of the week because I think it is really going to be quality, intense, thrilling and fun.
All right, i’m adding this new section to all of my posts –
                                                            DID YOU KNOW … ?
———Did you know that Tom Hanks is the third cousin to President Abraham Lincoln?!————-
If you read this blog and disagree with any of my opinions, feel free to write a comment!

Not A Critic, Just an Average Joe

As the title points out, I am not professional critic, hell, I am not known in the entertainment world whatsoever. I am just a person who loves to be entertained, therefore I love my media of all sorts, i’m not prejudiced or age-ist (is that a word?), old or new, if it is entertaining and worth wasting time on then I am up for it! Music, sports, movies, websites – I love it all and spend way too much time going through these various mediums finding the best and most worthwhile things to share. I used to do this with just my friends and family, but they enjoyed it so much, I figured it would be fun to broaden my scope and hopefully introduce a greater number of people to new things they have perhaps not have seen before.
My plan for this blog is to post my reviews and opinions of current entertainment going on in America, though I may pull out a moldy oldie to share if I think it is really worth while. As I said in the beginning, I am not a professional critic, therefore if you are expecting deep analysis with a Freudian twist on anything I have reviewed, you have come to the wrong blog. I’ll let you know things I think are worth your while, may give you a laugh, or should be avoided as a waste of time and why. I know that I always appreciate when people do that for me and give me good reasons.
Although I have plans for this blog, I do want it to be an interactive experience so go ahead and leave me comments and suggestions about things you’d like me to review and look over and I will make sure I cover it in the next week. To ensure that ya’ll don’t have to try and guess when a new entry will be posted, a new one will go up every Thursday, I think I’ll call them “Thrilling Thursday’s”…. I know, I am a straight up freaking nerd.