Just Plain Weird- Celebrity Pre-Nups That Are Ridiculous

I was asked by a friend what my “Part-2” blog post would be about, (as I mentioned in my last post, there would be a “part-2”). Though I had already planned out what this post would be about, she asked if this part-2 would be about celebrity marriages that succeeded long term. Though a nice idea, that is no fun, and I could only think of one long term married couple anyway. So, here is PART 2 – If you  missed part 1 click HERE. Celebrity marriages are generally short lived, and those involved often know this fact going into the marriage, and they make sure that they get the most out of it. Nothing is sacred in Hollywood, especially not marriage. So this post is going to look at some of the more ridiculous celebrity Prenups.
1. Khloe & Lamar Odom

     -Well, this is embarrassing, I am just not sure for which member of the party. Both, lets just say both. I do not watch their idiotic reality t.v. show, but even I know, that everyone in that family is two things: 1. bat-shit crazy. 2. High maintenance. These girls seriously must be amazing in bed, because otherwise I have no idea how they get married. Khloe’s prenup calls for 500,000 for every year the two are married, their house, a brand new car at the end of each car’s lease term, 6,000 dollars a month for shopping and beauty upkeep (what the hell does “beauty upkeep” even entail… Seriously?) and 25,000 a month in support. And on top of all of that, she wants lifetime passes for her entire family to Lakers’ games. Good thing Lamar Odom doesn’t play for them anymore and that the Lakers are a terrible team.
2. Beyonce & Jay-Z

     -This one is just kinda ratchet and weird. For every child of Jay Z’s that Beyonce squeezes out, she gets a $5 Million dollar payout. And should the two super stars ever get divorced, Beyonce gets $1 Million for every year the couple was married. I am still just grossed out by the $5 Million dollar “push present.”

3.Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman
     -Keith Urban is a well known ex-party boy and drug addict. A little weird for a country music star. And in their prenup Nicole wanted to ensure that his drug addict habit didn’t return. Keith gets 640,000 (such a random number) for every year that the Aussie power couple are married. However, there is one stipulation to this agreement. If Urban does drugs again, he doesn’t get a penny of the money. (I still just find it hilarious that if they divorce, he is the one who gets the money support)

4.Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegern

     -Tiger and Elin initially had an agreement that stated if the two were married at least 10 years at the time of divorce, then Elin would get 20 million dollars. The two were only married 6 years when they separated, but since the divorce was because Tiger stuck his business in more places than he could even remember, Elin demanded a re-write of the prenup. Elin ended up with 100 Million dollars and the written promise that Tiger would not bring any of his girlfriends near their children. (Fun side note, since their split Tiger has been total crap at golf. I attribute this to, the more than likely, fact that he probably has multiple STD’s causing him troubles).
5. Katherine-Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas 

     -Katherine is 25 years younger than Michael Douglas (ew) which should give Katherine some marital and financial security. After all, she will out live him, and she will always be the younger, hotter, member of the two. However, just cause she can, she put a cheating clause in their prenup, should they ever split, she gets 2.8 Million dollars for every year that they are married. If Douglas cheats on his wife in the process, she gets a $5 Million dollar bonus. (This almost sounds like rules in Monopoly)
6. Mark Zuckerberg & Priscilla Chan

     -I know these two are not technically celebrities, but he has more money than God, so I am counting it. Before she was Mrs. Zuckerberg, Chan had Mark sign a dating pre-nup (is that even a thing?) where he is required to take her on one date per week, a minimum of 100 minutes of alone time, not in his apartment and “definitely not on Facebook.” Apparently when they were engaged, this clause was also included in their marital pre-nuptial agreement.  

     With some of these prenup agreements (oh, there were so many more, I just got depressed and stopped writing about all the failed marriages) it is just nuts how business like they are. Almost like they know that the marriage wont last and they want to squeeze all the money they can out of it. This “squeeze” part is apparently very literal in Beyonce’s case. Ew.

Celebrity Marriages That Didn’t Last Longer Than A Sneeze

Today, as I have been thoroughly pestered by my family about my future plans (fyi, I have no plans), I have been listening to these lectures glassy eyed as I tried to figure out what I would write about in the blog post for today. I ended up settling on the topic of marriage and decided that this post would be part 1 of 2. Anyone who has ever been married (which would not include me, but I have heard a lot about it) will tell you that marriage is the hardest thing you will ever chose to do in your life, but that it can be rewarding as well. As we know however, sometimes people don’t make it to that “rewarding” part of the marriage. Celebrities are especially notorious for this. So, part 1 of this two part post is about celebrity marriages that never even made it out of the “honeymoon” phase.
Here is a look at some of the shortest real life marriages to come out of Hollywood

1. Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries 

     – Probably the freshest in everyone’s mind is that of Kim Kardashian (why is she famous?) and Kris Humphries. Kim Kardashian married basketball player Kris Humphries (now plays for Brooklyn), in an expensive and elaborate wedding, which was staged (probably in more ways than one) to be shown on their dumbass reality t.v. show. Seventy-two days after the wedding, Kim filed for divorce. What could the reason possibly be for such a short marriage? Apparently Kim claimed that they could not decide on where to live. The courts should make them stay married if they are that stupid.

2.Elizabeth Moss & Fred Armisen 

     – After only 10 months of not-wedded bliss, Moss and Armisen got a quickie divorce. Moss, a star of Mad Men, has gone on to say that the marriage was traumatic, terrible and awful (apparently she couldn’t think of anymore synonyms for a shitty marriage). For his part, Armisen (star of SNL) stated that he was a terrible husband, and has owned up to being the reason for their split.
3. Drew Barrymore & Tom Green
     -Now, if you are like me, and you see this guys name, ‘Tom Green’ and think “who the hell is that” then you are not alone. Apparently he is a marginal t.v. guy and a white rapper… yes you read that right. As you can imagine, Barrymore and Green were an unlikely pair from the get go. They stayed married a grand total of 5 months. Though this is obviously a short marriage, it is not the shortest that Barrymore has been apart of. She was once married to bar owner Jeremy Thomas for a whole whopping 29 days. I have a box of cereal that I have had a longer relationship with than that.
4.Mario Lopez & Ali Landry
     – After six years of dating, the two finally married. Two weeks after the wedding Landry filed for divorce. You’d think that after six years of dating, you’d be able to be married longer than the two weeks it takes for cheese to go moldy on the counter.

5. Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock
     – With these two getting married, how could that possibly be a bad idea? The bride got married in a bikini, doesn’t that automatically guarantee a long happy marriage? Though they apparently had all this good luck going for them, the two split up 4 months after the “I do’s.”

6. Brittany Spears & Jason Alexander 

     – In what is considered to be one of the shortest Hollywood marriages of all time, it is only fitting that it should involve Brittany Spears. Spears married childhood friend Alexander in the always classy Las Vegas (Elvis wedding officiator optional for an extra 20 bucks). However, there is a reason Vegas has it’s amazing reputation. Only fifty-five hours later, the pair (while undoubtedly nursing a bitchin’ hangover) got the marriage annulled.

7.Renee Zellweger & Kenny Chesney 

     – An actress and a country music superstar apparently don’t mix well. They were only married for 4 months before she filed for an annulment from Chesney. Her reasoning for the separation was “fraud.” No offense to Zellweger, but Chesney is worth way more money than she is. So my only interpretation of this was that she was stealing money from him, felt bad about it, and this was her way of confessing her crime to him…… yep, that makes total sense.

Who knew that being obsessive and vain, like a lot of actors have to be in order to succeed at their living (with some obvious exceptions) would be difficult to be married to?

Big Budget Religious Reboot Movies- Why Now?

    Am I the only one who has noticed the seemingly unaccountable upswing in religious movies lately? If you were an outsider looking in, you would think that America is having some sort of religious renaissance like they did in the 50’s (everybody found Jesus because they were all afraid Russia would drop a nuclear bomb on us any second) but we all know that’s not true. Back in 2004 it was a big ass deal that “The Passion of the Christ” was a movie because it was a big budget, in your face, religious film. This year, several big religious movies have been released and nothing has been said about it.

     Because of this fear of getting incinerated by the Russians, a large number of “come to Jesus” movies came out and were widely popular, making a shit ton of money. It was also at this time that they taught kids to duck and cover under their desks if they heard the Nuclear Bomb siren. HA! As if hiding under your desk

will save you from getting incinerated by an Atomic bomb, sorry to burst your bubble but whoever came up with that idea was an idiot. Anyway, several of the biggest and most popular religious films featured my boy Charlton Heston in films like “The Ten Commandments” (doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what that one is about…. Moses, the answer is Moses finding Jesus. Yay Jesus again.) Another religious movie of the time with Heston was Ben-Hur. This one is about a Jew (living in the time of Jesus, shocking plot twist!) who was royally screwed by the Romans, spends most of his life plotting revenge, gets his revenge, but then his soul finally finds peace when he encounters Jesus on the cross…. how odd and gruesome for an ending.

     But this is why I am so confused, it is not like we have some pressing threat of danger on American’s to motivate us to try and remember what day we are supposed to go to church when it isn’t Christmas or Easter. So what’s with all the soul saving cinema about? And for the most part these movies coming out
feature A-list actors, not some random obscure indie project, these are big budget movies. Now, I don’t want to make it sound like I have anything against this, I am just baffled at why this is happening right now?
Don’t believe me? Well here are those that have come out this year (and two that are coming out soon). Not only are there a butt ton of these this year. But there are a bunch of famous people in them. The hell? Someone explain this to me.
                                          Heaven is for Real                                Mary: Mother of Christ

            Noah                                   Exodus: Gods and Kings                                Son of God

If You Are Going To Be Annoying At Least Give Me Money: Thoughts on the New Planet of the Apes Movie

     General warning. I am feeling very sarcastic and snarky today. Therefore the following post will be somewhat in rant form. If you are feeling like a chipper little bluebird who doesn’t want to be dragged down into my pit of black sarcastic humor. Do not read on.

     Recently I saw the preview for the new Planet of the Apes film coming out this week. I was somewhat dissapointed to see that Gary Oldman was in this movie. I like Oldman as an actor, so the mere fact that he was in this movie made me kind of want to see it, despite my deep disgust that so many of these monkey movies have been made. Therefore I am slightly disgusted with myself for my small desire to see this film. (It’s like any Tom Cruise movie. I never want to see it, but then I am slightly drawn in by the fact that Emily Blunt is in it, or Morgan Freeman, is in it, someone who I respect and think is not absolutely bananas).

A monkey on a horse. Yep, you
definitely need another movie to do that 

      It baffles me that these movies get such good reviews. There have been 8 planet of the apes movies made, and there is a 9th one that has been announced to be released in 2016. How good could the 8th movie about monkeys taking over the world be? The main thing I am impressed about is that they keep thinking of different, semi-relevant words to put in front of “Planet of the Apes” to denote that it is a different planet of the apes movie. Like this new one is “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” and the one that came out a few years ago was “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” I cannot keep them straight in my head. I always have to look them up to see which came in what order. Too damn confusing and ambiguous. I guess they will finally stop making these movies when they run out of words to put in front of the name. I hope it is soon.

Final Thoughts
1. Charlton Heston (who was my first celebrity childhood crush- hubba hubba- I mean, what other 8 year
old was watching Ben-Hur? No one) is no doubt cursing in his grave that they have made so many of these. (For those children out there who don’t know, he was in the original “Planet of the Apes” – before they had to put words in front of the name to make it different, so you know that was a long ass time ago.)

2. Because I am broke as hell I wont be watching this movie regardless of the fact that Gary Oldman is in it, I can’t afford to be bored by monkeys this time. Maybe in 2016.

Celebrities Who Are Also Spies

     The espionage game is a thankless one. The sign of being good at your job is that nobody can ever know. They are chameleons that can blend into any situation, going unnoticed to collect valuable information. With this in mind, a celebrity would be the last person to come to mind to fulfill this job. That is what makes the people on this list so surprising. So, lets blow the cover of 6 celebrities that you didn’t know were spies.

1. Julia Child
  – Larger than life, Julia Child, is an unusual choice to be a spy. With her 6’2 frame and booming voice, she wasn’t exactly stealthy, or someone you’d think would be a good spy. But I guess that is kind of the point right? Child was hired on to the Office of Strategic Services- ‘OOS’, (which is just a fancy name for the CIA) during WWII. Though we do not know exactly what she did, it is known that she was very successful and rose through the ranks. Apparently she was assigned to ‘listening’ posts in China and Ceylon.

2. Frank Sinatra
     – It is well know that Frank Sinatra was no altar boy. He was heavily, and actively involved in the mafia, and stayed active in these illegal activities for most of his life. However, that did not seem to be an issue when the CIA came calling. According to his daughter Tina, the CIA closed their eyes to Sinatra’s mafia ties because he was a courier for the CIA. Since Sinatra flew on private jets he often carried valuable information and often people, around the world.

3. Cary Grant
– Although Cary Grant turned down the role of James Bond, he was a real-life spy employed by the British government. No, he was not trying to steal U.S. secrets or anything, he was assigned to keep tabs on Nazi sympathizers in Hollywood during World War II, like fellow actor Errol Flynn. Grant was a long supporter of the British cause and donated two films salaries to the British forces. In 1947, Grant received the Kings Medal for services in the cause for freedom.  

4. Christopher Lee
     – Christopher Lee is known in his career for playing some pretty bitchin’ villains. I have no doubt, that some of the inspiration for these roles came from his experiences in WWII. As a young man Lee signed up for the army and was placed in the intelligence division. Lee was apparently very gifted in whatever the hell they did because he was recruited for the ultra-secret Special Operations Executive. He was then later part of the secret agent unit called “The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare” how very British to essentially say they stabbed people when they weren’t looking. After the war Lee was assigned to track down Nazi criminals and bring them to justice. How badass is this man!!
           – (Side Note)- Christopher Lee played Saurman in the Lord of the Rings (a bad guy if you didn’t know). At the beginning of the third movie he gets stabbed in the back by his minion. The director of this trilogy, Peter Jackson, is caught on tape telling Christopher Lee to imagine what it would be like to get stabbed in the back. To this, Lee responded that he did not have to imagine it.

5. Roald Dahl
     – The famous author of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” was not just churning out classical books around the time of WWII, he was spying for British intelligence. And who was he spying on? The United States of America. Hey, even friends get nosy and will try and read your texts from time to time right? The really fantastic part of his story, is how he had to go about doing his intelligence work for the British. His job was to literally get under the covers with influential women, or the wives of powerful men, to find out American secrets and sympathies. He essentially sexed his way into the information. The best part of this story is that Dahl got involved with a congresswoman Clare Booth Luce, whose husband was also the publisher of Time Magazine. Apparently her sexual appetite was so great that he actually pleaded with British intelligence to allow him to abandon his mission. There response was essentially to suck it up.

6. Harry Houdini

     – Harry Houdini was an operative for the allied forces during World War I, Scotland Yard, and the U.S. Secret Service. Reportedly, Houdini would travel around the world monotring Russian anarchists and collecting other valuable information for the U.S and British Governments using his world tours as a legitimate excuse to travel the world. Allegedly, some of what Houdini did for the authorities involved going to police stations around the world, and insisting they lock him up, using his escape artistry to wow the local law enforcement. While at the same time collecting bits and pieces of inside data.    

Tammy- Probably What You Expected

During the summer months three types of movies are released.
1. The high budget, loud noise, action film
2. The ridiculous comedy
3. Kids movies– (To help the number of parents committed to insane asylums during the summer go down)
For the most part, these are usually the big ticket movies that are released during the summer time. The film ‘Tammy,’ with the currently highly popular Melissa McCarthy, is no exception.
     Tonight I went and saw ‘Tammy’ with a friend, because what better way to celebrate America’s independence day then by sitting in a dark theater and doing nothing patriotic? (That’s about as American as it gets)
     This movie is about a woman, Tammy (Melissa McCarthy), who is down on her luck, has had a bunch of crappy things happen to her and decides to take a road trip with her grandmother (Susan Sarandon).

Now, a film like ‘Tammy’ is not a great piece of cinematic history, it isn’t deep and meaningful and it is fairly predictable- but none of that is the point for a movie like this. The critics are absolutely going to pan this movie because it lacks deep elements or much plot evolution, but anyone who is surprised by that fact going into this flick, should not be old enough to see a movie like this anyway.
     I was expecting to see a silly, over the top comedy, going into the theater to watch this movie and I enjoyed it. It’s funny. This movie is a better road trip film than McCarthy’s previous one with Jason Bateman ‘Identity Thief’ and ‘Tammy’ is less crude and more redeeming than her most recent film ‘The Heat’ with Sandra Bullock.

     This film is carried, not by the writing, but by the brilliance of McCarthy. McCarthy is such a force of nature that she not only saves this movie, but makes it feel genuine. She’s never not worth watching. It’s light, it’s silly and it’s a decent ridiculous comedy summer flick.
Final Thoughts
     I think, if you are old enough, this movie is worth seeing- it’ll give you a laugh or two but wait for a matinee or until it hits the cheap theaters.

Famous People Who Were Once Homeless

As we all know, probably far too well, finding a job is hard as hell right now, let alone a job you might actually like. Though at times things can get desperate and bleak (welcome to my life right now) usually-hopefully, things don’t get so bad that homelessness is a reality. It’s especially hard to imagine current celebrities ever struggling for money. But a surprisingly high number of them were not just poor, they were homeless. In this article we see the living examples of people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and far exceeding anyone’s expectations. If you are starting from nothing, there’s still hope. The American dream is not dead. I could really use some of this magic right now. Here is a list of just a few of these actors;

1. Halle Berry

When Halle Berry first moved to Chicago, bright eyed and bushy tailed- filled with optimism about making her way into the acting business- Berry quickly ran out of money and her mother decided not to send her any. During these very hard early days, Berry admits to having to rely on a local homeless shelter- “It taught me how to take care of myself and that I could live through any situation, even when that meant living in a shelter.”

2. Jim Carrey

Carrey’s growing up situation was far from the easy-going life that we would all hope for anyone, let alone kids. Carrey attributes these tough financial times growing up to the development of his sense of humor. The comedian dropped out of high school and lived in a VW bus with his family that they parked in different places across Canada. They eventually moved into a tent on his older sister’s lawn and parked the van in the driveway.

3. Daniel Craig

When Daniel Craig first moved to London to pursue his acting career, he ended up sleeping for a time on park benches.

4. Jewel 
Before becoming the multi-platinum singer, Jewel lived on the streets after losing her job and almost dying in a parking lot. “I ended up homeless because my boss propositioned me and when I wouldn’t sleep with him he didn’t give me my paycheck. I got kicked out of where I was living and decided to live in my car but I had bad kidneys and I could never hold down another job because I got sick so often. I didn’t have insurance and ended up almost dying in the parking lot of an emergency room because they wouldn’t admit me because I didn’t have insurance.”  
5. Hilary Swank

Hilary Swank’s parents divorced when she was 13, resulting in her and her mother deciding to move to Los Angeles for her acting aspirations. They lived out of their car and booked auditions over payphones (yes kiddos, public phones used to be a thing).